


Wait for Me

by Unnamed_Chapters



Category: The Fosters (TV 2013)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Car Accidents, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-30
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-18 03:47:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,024
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4690919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Unnamed_Chapters/pseuds/Unnamed_Chapters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is supposed to be eternal, right? Love is supposed to get you through anything. That’s all Connor can count on as his and the people he loves lives are turned upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> The entire premise of the story was inspired by "Wait for Me" by Kings of Leon. Its a great song and I highly recommend checking it out. Now, as I upload each chapter, I will be adding the name of a song and/or songs that inspired that particular chapter. All feedback is welcomed and appreciated. Thanks for reading!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song for Chapter One is "The Mess I Made" by Parachute

It's been three years since I moved to LA with my mom. It _still_ seems like a dream. My relationship with my dad has grown and flourished since leaving San Diego. It's not uncommon anymore for him to show up on a Friday and not leave to head back _home_ until Monday evening. Home, it's funny how that word brings mixed feelings to my mind. My _home_ is in San Diego where I left all my friends and family to escape the suffocating I felt after coming out to my dad. I long to be _home_ again. This house I live in with my mom is just that, a house not a home. My mom is a good mother, I keep telling myself, but she's more of a mother than a mom. I have everything I need and more, yet I am missing so much. Clothes, money, a new car, a big room, yet the warmth isn't there. I thought by coming to live in LA I would be getting all the love I didn't get back home with my dad. The first month with my mom, the feeling of "love" was intoxicating and exhilarating. I couldn't get enough. But then you wake up one day and realize it's a false sense of comfort. My mom accepted who I was, but soon I found myself alone more often than not as she took on more and more projects at work leaving less and less time for me, her son. So is the life of a child who has a parent focused on climbing the corporate ladder. I don't know how many times I would just long for the warmth and love of my mother's embrace. After a while you just go numb to the feeling, or lack thereof. The only thing keeping me grounded at that time was Jude. Whether it was talking to him on the phone, skyping, or constantly sending each other text messages, we were trying to keep in contact regularly. The distance was unbelievably hard, however, we trudged on. Jude began to visit whenever he could. However as the years wore on, Jude's visits became fewer and far between. Our phone conversations and skype dates became more infrequent. I would love nothing more than to hold my boyfriend in my arms every day, but we both knew the sacrifice when I moved. We counted on our love to trudge on, sometimes it was enough, other days it seemed like it wasn't. We cherished our few Infrequent visits, trying to make them last as long as we could. But we would snapped back to reality Soon enough as he would have to leave.  


I made friends quickly at my new school, and it helped some of the homesick feeling I had. It helped me regain some normalcy to my life. I didn't have to hide myself to my new friends, and what a relief I felt. I began to grow particularly close to a boy named Andy. There was something about him that reminded me of myself. I would be lying it if I didn't say Andy was anything but good looking. He was and as we became better friends I could began to tell he started having feelings for me. His hints weren't subtle at all, and once again I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't enjoy the attention. I did, and when I caught myself looking at him a little too long one day I knew I had shut down, whatever it was that was going on between us. I had a boyfriend that I loved and who loved me back. I told Andy that I was sorry for whatever was going on, and he understood. He was disappointed, but understood. It was strange, our friendship never faltered after that, only grew. As the years passed, Andy's birthday celebrations for me grew bigger and more ridiculous. I was turning seventeen this year and he was determined to "have a rager that made project x look small." As I had learned over the years, no was never on the table and I just went along with it all. But as I sit here in the waiting room of Marina Del Rey Hospital, I wish I would've said no. Then no one would've gotten hurt. How can everything get so fucked up so fast?  


\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  


**_**Flashback to yesterday**_**

I woke up, shutting off my alarm. 7:34 am and it was my birthday, I thought to myself failing to hide the smile that crept onto my face. I was turning seventeen. I was lucky that this year my birthday fell on a Friday, and somehow by coincidence or not was also an off day for school. I could hear noise from downstairs and remembered Andy had slept over, wanting to get a jump on my party. Andy had been in full part planning mode all week, I laughed thinking how lucky I was. I had an amazing boyfriend who I loved so much it hurt, and now I have Andy, a badass friend who has stuck by me the last three years. My train of thought was interrupted by my ring tone "Hey Jude" going off. I quickly jumped off my bed and answered my phone with a huge smile on my face.

"Happy birthday babe! I hope I didn't wake you, I know you don't have school today you asshole!" He says laughing at the end. Oh how I love the sound of his voice, I think to myself.

"Thanks babe! Nah, I just woke up. I figured I would head downstairs to see what I could help Andy with for the party tonight. You still gonna be able to make it?" I ask hoping he can hear the puppy dog-ness tinge in my voice. Except all I hear is silence coming back through the phone. I look at my phone wondering if the call failed and saw "JUDE <3" still on my screen. Finally he breaks the silence with a sigh.

"Ummmmmmmm Con, I won't be able to make it tonight. I'm sorry, I know we don't get to see each other a lot and believe me I am dying to see you, hold you, feel you. But I won't be able to. Something came up last minute and moms won't let me leave."

Damnit, it's been two fucking months since I got to see Jude last. I can feel tears start to form at my eyes. I blink furiously trying to not cry. I pull the phone away from my mouth trying to calm myself. Finally I put the phone back to my ear.

"No I completely understand." I'm lying through my teeth. I don't fucking understand at all. It's his fault. It's always his fault. He was the one who didn't want to come out when first started dating all those years ago. He was the one who told me to "leave" after he told me he loved me. And now he was gonna bail on my birthday. Some boyfriend. I was starting to tremble now and I was afraid, I don't even know where those thoughts came from. I knew I had a minimum of a minute before I couldn't keep myself together. I heard the anxiousness in his voice when he spoke again.

"Con, are you ok? Please tell me, I don't want to ruin your birthday." Too late for that I thought. What is happening right now, why do I keep thinking like this?! "I want to be there, you don't even know how much I do. Please don't be bummed, I want you to have a blast. Please for me."

I sigh as I begin to speak again. "No Jude, I'm ok. I promise. I'll be fine, but I have to go now. I'll talk to you later." And before he can say anything further I hang up the phone. I realize that I didn't even say "love you". But before I can call Jude back to apologize Andy walks in.

"Yo birthday boy, get your ass up! We gotta lot to do today before everyone starts to show up!" He says with the biggest smile on his face.

I immediately perk up. Andy definitely has a way of making me feel better. I run to the restroom and take a quick shower and get ready. The hours that followed, flew by as a blur. 8 pm rolled around and people started to show up to my house. Andy had gone all out, two djs, a huge ass slide that ran off the roof to the pool, and not to mention the second living room was turned into a full bar. I had told myself I was not gonna let Jude's absence put a damper on my party. Two hours, four shots, and three beers in I was feeling good. So good I had began to lose judgement. I found myself dancing and grinding with Andy. This went on for a while until we were sweaty and tired. We made our way to the bar and picked up two shots off the table. I leaned into Andy and put salt on the crook of his neck and a lime in his mouth. I licked the salt off of him, nibbling a little, eliciting a small moan from him. I knocked the shot back and proceeded to tongue wrestle him for the lime. What followed was Andy repeating the same to me. Before I knew it we were in my bedroom full on making out shirts off exploring each other. Things were moving fast, when I heard the door open followed by a voice I could pick out of a crowd anywhere.

"Surprise Con! I wanted to surpr-"

Oh fuck, fuck, fuck! It was Jude. What was I doing?! I have a boyfriend; I'm so fucking stupid to have actually thought that he wouldn't come. I shoved Andy off of me throwing my shirt on racing down the stairs after Jude. All the adrenaline pumping through me instantly sobered me up. By the time I made it outside I saw Jude speeding away. I have to catch him. I sprint to my car and take off in the direction Jude just went. I press the Bluetooth button on the steering wheel and tell the car to call Jude. Please answer I thought, I have to hear your voice. Straight to voicemail. Just as I'm about to get discouraged I see Jude's car. I punch the gas pedal speeding up to him. He still hasn't left the residential suburb yet and luckily he is stopped at a red light. I let out a sigh of relief as is pull up behind him. Putting the car in park, I get out and start making my way to him. But just as I'm getting to him the light turned green and he began to pull into the intersection. I looked up and saw the truck running the red light. I doubt Jude saw him. The black Chevy Silverado, out of state license plates, slammed right into the driver's side of Jude's car, sending it spinning through the rest of the intersection into the light signal pole. The scream that erupted from me was primal in its entirety.

I pulled out my phone and dialed 9-1-1 just as I reached Jude's car. Before I knew it there were cop cars, fire trucks, and ambulances that filled the intersection. I could only look in anguish as the fire fighters cut Jude out of his car and load him on a stretcher. As the paramedics loaded Jude into ambulance I begged to let me ride with them.

"Please" I said between broken sobs. "He's my boyfriend."

The paramedic looked at me with sympathy and sighed waving me into the ambulance. We arrived at the hospital in a matter of seconds it felt like. A team of doctors and nurses were already standing by ready to take Jude, my precious Jude, back to start working on him. I was ushered to the waiting room. Fortunately I was the only one there. I broke down, and didn't try to hold anything back. It was 1:20 am, and three hours passed and there was no word on Jude. I was all cried out, or so I thought. I shuffled from the chair to the small couch taking my phone out in the process. I unlocked it and looked at the wallpaper. It was the most recent selfie Jude had sent me. Is eyes sparkling and smiling huge. He looked so happy. I felt the tears forming in my eyes again. I pulled the phone to my chest as into settled into the couch whispering to myself.

"Please be ok Jude. I'm so sorry, I love you."


	2. Chapter One-and-a-Half (A Jude POV Side Story)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for Chapter One-and-a-Half is "Rescue Me" by You Me At Six

Waking up isn’t painful anymore. I mean it still is, but the pain is more of a manageable numb feeling. Three years. Three long fucking years that I have been separated from him. And yet, it still feels like he left yesterday. I know what you’re thinking right now, and yes you’re right, I should tell Connor how I feel but honestly I don’t think I can; I don’t think I can manage to find the right words to properly explain how I am feeling without coming across as being selfish. Connor, finally, looks…happy and I actually feel like shit right now because I feel selfish for wanting him here with me in San Diego.  


At this point in our lives we are more caught up with the physical side of our relationship every time we see each other, that we really only communicate with words when we are on the phone or skyping. I guess, really, we just keep relying on our love to continue like this. But, when does _this_ become too much? I sometimes wonder if he feels the same way. I know he made friends, especially some guy named Andy. He has grown close to him and secretly I want Connor to fall for him so Connor can have someone to hold and touch every day; I think only then the feeling of angst can stop for me. I love him so much that I actually want him to find someone other than me. I mean that’s a half truth, because as much as I want Connor to be completely happy with someone else, I also want him to be happy with me and only me. I know, I know, I sound crazy right now. Well it’s not far from the truth, because my life has turned into one big routine that I repeat _every day_. It’s the only thing I can do that allows me to feel like I have some sort of control of my life. I get up before 5 and head out for my morning run. I stopped keeping track of how many miles I ran 3 months after Connor left. I usually run until I’ve exhausted myself therefor keeping myself from thinking too much. I then make back to the house and into the kitchen, its quiet and no one has made their way into it yet. It’s the same thing every day, a bowl of maple and brown sugar oatmeal and a glass of orange juice. I climb the stairs and jump into the shower, taking my time until the hot water runs out. _This_ is actually possible now that I’m the only kid left at home. Mom and mama give me my space, which I’m thankful for. I climb down the stairs and head to school, only to come home and repeat the next day. Now while I may be breaking my heart a little each day, I would it ten times over again because to be clear that I’m _not_ a terrible boyfriend. My intentions are good, because I love him. Love him with my entire being.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Today was one of those days that the numb feeling was more manageable than usual. Today was Con’s seventeenth birthday. I’m not going to lie, even though I was sad that I woke up without him here, I cannot express how excited I was to see him later. I called and spoke to him, wishing him a happy birthday. Everything was going as I hoped; he actually bought that bull shit that I had a family thing. Today was going to be perfect. I had already spoken with mom and mama the night before getting permission to miss school and go out to look for a gift for Con. I already knew what I was going to get him. There was a jeweler not too far from my house that had a silver promise ring that I fell in love with. I headed there, picked out Con’s size and asked for an engraving on the inside of the band: “My love for you has no depth- J.A.F”. I returned home. I found myself sitting and waiting with the small box ready to make the journey to LA. 

At 7 pm I decide it’s as good of time as any to hit the road. The whole ride there I keep replaying the scenes I envisioned for Connor and I: Me arriving, catching a look of surprise and happiness on his face as I wrap my arms around his waist from behind. Tonight was going to be perfect, it had to be. We would slip away from the party so I could give him his gift and share a moment with each other. But my thoughts were broken up as I pulled up to his house. There were so many people there; more than I thought would be coming. Regardless, I was determined to make tonight special for him. I walked into the house to find every room filled to the brim with people. I walked around scanning the crowd looking for him, to no avail. After thirty minutes of mindless wandering, I finally decided to ask a small blonde girl.

“Hey, you wouldn’t happen to know where the birthday boy is, would you?”

After downing two shots back to back, she turned and looked at me slurring her words as she spoke.

“Ahh, yeaaaa cutie, I surree did. Heee wasss back byy theee barr.”

With that direction, I made my way to the bar only to see Connor sneaking away upstairs with Andy pretty much clinging to him for dear life. My heart dropped. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I thought back to how stupid I was for actually thinking Connor should fall for him. I guess I thought it would be easier to deal with than actuality. Actually seeing him running off to his bedroom with Andy in tow was not exactly pleasant. I climbed the stairs hoping that what I saw was just in my imagination. I could feel my heart beating a million miles a minute. I stood outside Connor’s door for what felt like an eternity, but what was actually a minute. I looked down at the small box I had in my hand and set it on the hall table outside Connor’s room before I grabbed the handle and turned it. I breathed and attempted to sound as excited as I could, knowing what I would more than likely find on the other side of the door.

“Surprise Con! I wanted to surpr-”

It was all I could manage to get out before my eyes fell on Connor and Andy. Their shirts were off, and by looks of it, not far from losing the rest of the clothes. I remember seeing the look of shock and terror all over Connor’s face as he shoved Andy from him to floor. That was all I could bare before I bolted out the door and down the stairs, right out to my car. I don’t know if Connor was chasing after me, the sounds around me were being drowned out by my deafening thoughts. Tears were flowing from my eyes like someone had broken a dam. My shoulders shook violently as I attempted to pull out of Connor’s drive way. I had to leave, I didn’t know where I would go, but I had to leave. I would drive; drive until the car ran out of gas. The pain that I felt was literally the worst physical pain I had ever felt. My heart felt like it was being constricted. I just kept driving until everything went black.


	3. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for Chapter Two is "River" by Leon Bridges

I woke up, my body aching all over from sleeping on the hospital sofa. I felt like I had slept forever, when in all actuality, I had slept three hours. Three hours and not once in those three hours was I woken by a doctor or nurse telling me of Jude’s condition. Worry and panic set in, bringing with them the vilest and most terrible thoughts that only could have crawled from the deepest parts of hell. I began to feel like I was drowning, suffocating.

 

_Help! I needed help. I’m sending an SOS... But I can’t see my signal. Just dark emptiness around me._

 

My panic attack continued until I was snapped out of it by the warmth of a hand on my shoulder.  I turned my head and found myself looking into the faces of two people I was relieved and, needless to say, shocked to see.

 

“Lena? Stef? How did-? Who-?” 

 

I couldn’t seem to be able to put complete sentences together, rather stammering like a fool. Alleviation overcame me when both the women pulled me into their embrace. All the worry, stress, grief, gilt, left me. Even if it was momentary, I was _home_ in their embrace. All barriers I built over the last few hours, crumbled, letting go all the emotion I was holding back. I cried, my convulsions in perfect harmony with the two women holding me. We all stayed like that, standing for an eternity, holding onto each other desperately when we were interrupted by someone clearing their throat. 

 

“Eh-hem. Um yes, excuse me. I am Dr. Shepard. I presume you are Mr. Adams-Foster’s mothers?”

 

Both Lena and Stef nod simultaneously. My stomach began to lurch and I found myself light headed and nauseous. I let go of Lena and Stef and placed my hand on the wall to steady myself as the doctor continued.

 

“Well, good news, surgery was successful. We managed to repair all the internal damage. Mr. Adams-Foster was brought in with a collapsed lung, and a ruptured spleen, causing a significant amount of internal bleeding. We had no choice but to remove his spleen after unsuccessfully trying to repair it. Now this shouldn’t be too large of cause to worry, splenectomies are more common now-a-days with people living healthy lives after. You will just have to make sure you monitor him as he comes down with stomach bugs and such as his body is now missing a key tool in fighting off certain types of bacterial infections. As I said, Mr. Adams-Foster is very lucky because he came in with severe damage internally. Not to mention a broken femur, dislocated left shoulder, five cracked and broken ribs, and a broken collar bone. No worries, as all should heal in time.”

 

We all breathed a sigh of relief as the doctor finished explaining the situation, but just when I felt like I could catch my breath again he continued. 

 

“Now folks, I think you need to have a seat.”

 

He paused and waited until we all sat down. Without thinking, I reached for Lena hand, squeezing gently. I had to find comfort, and after all the years of being around the Adams-Foster family, Lena was the one I knew could fill that need.  

 

“His head had a severe contusion where it appeared his head hit the steering wheel, so I ordered a MRI to be sure all boxes were checked. We found his brain to be swelling, which I want to add, is normal after an accident of this magnitude. But to allow his body and brain to rest and begin to heal, we placed him in a medically induced coma and performed a decompressive craniectomy. That is basically where we had to remove a portion of his skull to relieve swelling. His swelling subsided rather quickly and we followed up with a cranioplasty, closing up the opening we made. He will continue to remain under coma until his head and internal injuries are eighty to ninety percent healed. Now I want to prepare you, with an injury to his brain like this, it is very possible he may wake and begin to show signs of amnesia. This is normal, and should _hopefully_ subside in time. How long, I don’t know, as it differs from patient to patient.”

 

And just like that, the wind was knocked from me. I felt small. If I could have crawled within myself and shut out the world I would have. But I couldn’t, and I was faced with the brutal reality that Jude may never be the same again. He will always look the same to me, but will he remember me? _Remember us?_

 

“Now Mr. Adams-Foster is being moved to ICU as we speak. You should be allowed to see him momentarily. I’ll have a nurse come for you shortly.”

 

We all nodded in unison, shaking the doctor’s hand absentmindedly. Time felt like it had stopped momentarily, allowing the tragedy to repeat itself over and over and over again in my mind, and I wanted nothing more than to hit play and stop reliving it. But that is easier said than done. The anguish and guilt were eating at me so heavily, that I had to speak or I felt like I would forever go mute. But I didn’t speak. The silence of the room was asphyxiating. There was so much silence I could head the uneven breaths of the people at the nurses station. If this was insanity, and that’s what it felt like, then I wanted no part of it. Finally, after what felt like a never ending amount of time, I cut through the denseness of the room. My voice shaky as I spoke.

 

“It’s my fault, you know? The accident. Jude wouldn-“ 

 

But I was cut off by Lena reaching for my shoulder and shushing me.

 

“No honey, it wasn’t your fault. None of this was your fault. How could you have known that man was going to run the red light? You couldn’t. And you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it. I’m sure everything will end up ok, you just have to have a little faith.”

 

Classic Lena. I shouldn’t have put it past her to try and quash my feelings of remorse. That’s what she does. She knows no hate, only love. And in this moment I felt sick that she would love me regardless of everything. She didn’t even know the whole story and yet she is still here showing me nothing but love. My stomach lurched again and I was forced to run to the nearest trashcan, vomiting out all my pain and regret. I was startled by the touch I suddenly felt on my back as I was hunched over heaving out everything I had in me. I looked up to see who had touched me, only to find it was Stef not Lena comforting me this time. I focused on her face, seeing the fear just below the surface. Stef has always been the family rock for the Adams-Fosters and to see her so vulnerable now was crushing. I don’t know how long I looked at her before she furrowed her brow and spoke.

 

“Connor, love, regardless of whatever happened earlier. We will always love you. Nothing, nothing could ever change that. You have to stay strong, because now more than ever, Jude will need you to be. He will need you to be the rock for him. Regardless of what happens when he wakes up, please promise me you will stay strong.”

 

I nodded my head, knowing what Stef said was true. Jude was going to need me. Jude was going to need all of us. This was going to be difficult on everyone, but more so, on Jude. I shudder at the thought of what it would be like to be in his shoes. The thought is unnerving. But just as my mind is about to go into overdrive again, we are interrupted by a young woman in white and pink scrubs smiling warmly as she spoke.

 

“If you all could follow me, I’ll be showing you to the ICU extended stay quarters for family of the patients here. We have reserved you a joined room with your son, so you will be next door should anything happen. We also have round the clock care for the families as well should you need any food or laundry service while you are here. My name is Meredith, so please ask for me if I can be of any assistance.”

 

The room is small, but homely. It does not feel like you are part of the hospital, and I think that is the point. With all the mixed and jumbled feelings I have coursing through me, it’s nice to feel comfortable and not like we are trapped in a tin can. As I’m making my way to the small kitchen table I could hear Stef and Lena talking, barely above a whisper. I turned, looking their direction with curiosity written all over my face. I’m guessing the noticed because they spoke in unison.

 

“Go see him…”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

 

I stood frozen in the doorway to Jude’s room, surveying the landscape. I took in every sight, smell, and sound as I did nothing to move further in. I will forever have the imagery stamped and dated into my brain. It was as if I was watching a rerun of Grey’s Anatomy, the episode where George O’Malley died. Jude’s face was purple and blue from where his face bounced around in the car hitting whatever surface it met. His head was wrapped, the dressing still looking fresh as it had only been applied an hour or so ago. He had tubes and wires connecting him to various machines doing various jobs. The room smelling of bleach, Clorox disinfecting spray, and iodine. The only sounds escaping the quietness of the room was my breathing, the soft beep of the heart monitor, the drip from the fluids bag, the compressing of air as the oxygen machine worked, and Jude’s breath as the machine pumped him with oxygen. 

 

I stood in the doorway, my eyes still transfixed on Jude lying almost lifeless in the bed. I wanted, now more than ever, to sit and hold his hand, and try like hell to comfort him. But my feet felt like they were cemented to the floor. I couldn’t budge. My eyes began to well up with tears. I was only able to move forward when I was gave a small reassuring pat on the back from Nurse Meredith. She had seen me standing in the doorway to Jude’s room, just swaying back and forth unable to step foot in. 

 

“You really love him don’t you?”

 

I could hear the kindness and sincerity in her voice. But no words escaped my mouth, I only nodded, too afraid if I opened my mouth I would break down in front of this stranger. And with a smile and a nod she was gone, back to check on another patient. I finally made my over to him and sat in the small chair next to his bed. Instinctively, I reached for his hand, hoping to squeeze the life back into him. Nothing happened. I sighed. This was going to be much harder than I imagined. I smoothed the bedding next to Jude’s body letting my forehead rest on the bed next to him whispering to him about how much I loved him until I dozed off.


	4. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has two songs: #1 is "When I Go" by Keaton Smith. This song inspired the part in this chapter where Connor and Andy meet again. #2 is a cover of "Photograph" by Boyce Avenue. This song inspired the remainder of the chapter, as a whole.

My slumber was finally disturbed by Stef at 10 am, telling me to get up and go cleaned up for some breakfast down in the cafeteria. I sat up, stretching my aching body, and reluctantly let go of Jude’s hand. I stood wordlessly for a few moments before I turned to leave the room, only stopping at the doorway to look over my shoulder at the boy lying in the bed. Stef smiled and nodded acknowledging my hesitation.

 

“Go on love, he will be here when you get back. He won’t run away with a cute nurse, if that’s what you’re afraid of.”

 

Although she was chuckling as she finished speaking, trying to make light of the present situation, she quickly realized she must’ve struck a nerve as she suddenly quit laughing. I guess it could’ve been a number of things that threw flags for her: the color flushing from my face, the uncontrollable shaking that overtook my hands, the short ragged breaths that escaped me. She looked panicked at my sudden change in appearance and began to make her way towards me when I put my hands up, trying my best to tell her to stop. My voice was shaky, at best, when I finally spoke.

 

“No Stef, I’ll be ok. I just need to get some air. I’ll be back in bit, if that’s ok with you?”

 

Her face softened some, and she nodded once again acknowledging me again with no words. I quickly turned and made my way into the hallway breaking into a full sprint to the bathroom. I was going to be sick; I could feel my stomach working in overdrive. The guilt at this point was eating at me, literally. After several minutes of heaving out whatever was it was that I was throwing up, I washed my face, almost not recognizing myself in the mirror. My face was pale, the little bit of color left looking as almost an afterthought. Dark circles had already started forming around my eyes. My hair was messy, appearing like I hadn’t bothered combing it for weeks. I looked like hell. I pinched my cheeks a few times, hoping to regain some color in them. I smoothed my hair the best that I could, finally happy that I had regained some resemblance to my normal self. After a few minutes of staring at myself in the mirror, I decided to leave the safety of the small room, making my way down to the cafeteria to grab myself some coffee and a small bite to eat. Only as I was making my way toward the small Starbucks shop did I feel my heart stop. I was looking into the eyes of the last person I wanted to see. I tried turning and heading in another direction, but it was too late, I had been made.

 

“Connor! Connor! Wait!”

 

_Shit_ , I thought to myself. _What the fuck is he doing here? How did he know I was here?_ I slowly turned on my heel, looking into the blue piercing eyes in front of me.

 

“Andy… Uh, what are you doing here?” I asked, running my hands nervously through my hair down to the back of my neck.

 

“I came to see if everything was alright, I mean when you ran out last night I got worried.” He said shifting closer to me, reaching for my hand.

 

The moment our hands touched I snapped, letting go everything I had been holding in since the accident.

 

“What the hell Andy!? What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

 

I don’t know what kind of reaction I was expecting, but the look of brokenness was definitely not what I was counting on. He looked like a puppy that I had just kicked, not sure if he was supposed to try and love its owner or run scared in the opposite direction.

 

“Con, what is it that you thought would happen after last night? That we would just go back to being Connor and Andy, the best of buds?!” His words sounded bitter as he spoke. “That you could just fuck me and we could just stay friends?! I mean fuck Connor! You spent the entire fucking day yesterday so pissed about Jude, complaining and talking shit, that excuse me if I got the wrong impression from you!”

 

I couldn’t move. Once again I felt like my feet were weighed down by blocks of cement. I just stood with my mouth opened slightly, blinking like a complete idiot. And then my head was swimming with confusion. Andy had closed the gap in the moment of my paralysis and met my lips with his. The fog that rolled into my brain was thick and heavy, the kind that allows ships at sea to slip away never to be seen again. I kissed back, my hands pulling him closer, deeper into me. But in a flash it was over, the fog lifting in miraculous fashion. I could see again, and I pushed away almost tripping on my own feet. I looked up to a broken boy. Andy stood in front of me head down, shoulders shaking. His hair was covering his eyes, but I knew he was crying. I stepped forward but was stopped by Andy’s voice, lower and hoarser than usual.

 

“No.” I took another step and once again was met with the same gruffness. “No Connor.”

 

I remained still, afraid of making any sudden movements. After a few moments, he looked at me, the blue piercing eyes now more of a dull slate color. “Connor, I love you, I love you so much it hurts. Jude is a lucky guy, believe me. I knew we never had a chance, but last night when we were dancing I saw a glimmer of hope, and I went with it. I was wrong, though, and I know we both fucked up. _This_ shouldn’t have ever happened. I keep telling myself I’m not a home wrecker, and that’s what I just became. I hope you can forgive me Connor, because I forgive you for breaking my heart.”

 

I remained still, not even knowing how to comprehend what I was just told. All the words were swirling around in my head. I hurt the two people that mean the most to me, all in a matter of 24 hours. I was starting to think I was a monstrosity when Andy spoke again.

 

“Stop thinking you’re an awful person. You are the farthest thing from awful. You are human and you make mistakes. That’s what _this_ was, a mistake, ok?” Shock was beginning to set in and I wasn’t sure how much more I could handle, but Andy spoke again leaving me nonetheless confused.

 

“I’m sorry Con, but this is going to be goodbye. You have a boyfriend to go tend to. Take care”

 

And with that Andy turned and left. I felt the world crashing and crumbling around me. _How? Why?_ I was alone for the first time in a very long time. I turned and made my way toward the court yard. I needed to be outside, somewhere I didn’t feel restricted and trapped. I made my way to the nearest tree and sat and cried. My boyfriend was lying barely alive in a hospital because of me, and my best friend is gone because I was stupid enough to cross the line with him, playing with his feelings  much in the way I had with Jude’s all those years ago. The pain soon turned to numbness. I forced myself up making my way back to the Starbucks in the cafeteria. I somberly walked up to the counter and began placing my order with a guy roughly my age. His name was “Roddick” by the look of his name tag. I wasn’t much in the mood for talking when he began speaking, so the best I could do was bunch and furrow my eyebrows hoping he would get the hint. He picked up on it instantly, smiling warmly instead.

 

“Here, it’s on the house. You look like you’ve had a rough day.” He walked off, returning momentarily with my coffee and muffin in tow. I smiled and thanked him before finding a seat in the corner of the cafeteria. After downing the coffee and muffin I drifted into a daze until I was brought back to reality by Lena running up to me screaming.

 

“Connor! Connor!”

 

I could see her face was mixed with emotions. I couldn’t pin point if something bad had happened or the latter. I stood quickly brushing the crumbs from my jeans. I prepared myself for the worst as she began speaking again.

 

“It’s Jude, honey. Come quick!” But before I could respond she was dragging me off to the room. We arrived at the room quickly. My breath hitched as I entered the room. I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. I rubbed my eyes trying to shake the dream I was in, but nothing happened. I couldn’t put into words what I was feeling, just a mess of emotion all blending together. I broke down sobbing as I took a step towards the bed my eyes still closed. I opened them as my knees bumped the bedding of the bed, my gaze now falling upon a pair of piercing brown eyes.

 

“Hey Jude.” 


	5. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song for Chapter Four is "Silhouettes" by Of Monsters and Men
> 
>  
> 
> And I want to thank everyone for reading, all feedback is welcomed and encouraged!

“Connor! Connor! Wake up! Sweetie, wake up!” I jolted awake as Lena was shaking my shoulder. My brow was drenched in in sweat. I blinked my eyes furiously, trying to adjust to the brightness of the room, momentarily not realizing where I was at. Then the memories all flooded back in. I jerked my head back around to the bed in front of me. Jude was still laying motionless, tubes and wires still connected to him. I turned my head back to Lena, confusion now overtaking me.

 

“But I saw him! He was awake! I was in the cafeteria and- and you came to get me saying it was urgent! He had woken up, I saw him!” But by this point I couldn’t hold back the sobs that erupted from my body. Lena crouched, bringing herself to my level, and enveloped me into a tight embrace rubbing small circles into my back.

 

“Sweetheart, you were dreaming. You’ve been sleeping for the last twelve hours. It's 5 o’clock in the afternoon. Stef and I didn’t want to bother you, so we’ve let you sleep in here with Jude. But I got worried when I heard you whimpering as I popped my head in to check on y’all.” _5 o’clock in the afternoon?! Oh my god, so I imagined everything?! Andy and Jude?!_ As if reading my thoughts, Lena began speaking again. “Sweetheart, look at him. Jude hasn’t woken up yet, I promise you. Remember the doctor said they had placed him in a medically induced coma, meaning he will need the help of the doctors to wake him.” I breathed out, realizing I had been holding my breath the whole time Lena was speaking with me. I buried my face into my hands trying desperately to hide from the cruel reality in front of me. Slowly I stood, making my way to the door with Lena in tow. When we reached the adjacent room with Stef I sighed deeply, running both my hands through my hair nervously. I had been doing that a lot the last 24 hours. My hair was starting to look ragged, the dirty blonde color beginning to dull, the shine leaving me like the hope in my heart. The three of us sat quietly for an eternity, no one daring to make a sound. After hours of silence, my voice cut through the room like daggers. The curiosity finally getting the best of me.

 

“How did you both know to come to the hospital?” I asked attempting to tread carefully. Stef scooted forward closer towards me, reaching out and grabbed my hands as I was fidgeting with them. “Love, one of the officers at the scene was Mike. He’s been in LA for a week or so assisting on a case. He was on his way back to his hotel when he heard the radio call of an accident with a car describing Jude’s. He knew Jude was going to be in LA this weekend, to see you. So he immediately headed there, hoping it was just coincidence of a matching car. When he saw you and Jude, he called us telling us to get to LA as fast as we could. The minute he knew which hospital they were taking Jude to, he called and told us so we could come straight here. He stayed on scene to help clear the wreck.” I sat still, my face lacking emotion, still trying to comprehend everything Stef had been saying. After a few moments of sitting silently, I spoke again.

 

“My car? I had my car there, and everything was moving so fast I left it when I got in the ambulance with Jude.” Stef and Lena turned their heads toward each other and shared a look momentarily before chuckling a bit. I was confused; I failed to see what was so humorous in the whole situation. Other than the fact that Jude was lying comatose in a hospital bed for God knows how much longer, and the whole situation regarding Andy, this was the third worse thing to happen to me in the last 24 hours. I didn’t have slightest clue what had happened to my car. And my mom would kill me if it got impounded. My anxiety, quelled, as I found out Mike had taken it to my house before making his way back to the scene. While this should have put to rest the anxiety in its entirety, I could feel it rumbling back to life in the pit of my stomach. _Oh my god, the house, the party. Andy._ I stood from my place on the sofa, and stuck my hand into the pocket of my faded jeans retrieving my phone. _It’s dead, fucking perfect. I gotta get home; I need to know what is going on at home; I need to know what’s going on with Andy._ I looked at Stef and Lena, who had moved to the window of the room looking out at the setting sun. Their emotions must have still been running high, because they both flinched suddenly when I placed my hand on their backs. I looked to them sympathetically, letting them know I was going to head home to shower, change, check on the house, and would return in a few hours with some hot food for us to eat. As we were exchanging our goodbyes we were interrupted by the same lively female voice from the day before. Nurse Meredith stood in the doorway holding what looked to be Jude’s charts in her hands.

 

“I just wanted to let you all know, that we will be taking Jude for a little while to run some tests. Nothing to be alarmed about.” But that’s the exact opposite of what I was feeling at that time. I was alarmed, real fucking alarmed. Code fucking black alarmed. I spoke, or more like almost shouted, cutting Stef off in the process.

 

“What kind of tests are you going to be running?! Is there something wrong with him?! Is he going to d-” I was stopped short of finishing my sentence, Nurse Meredith’s palm outstretched touching my forearm, consoling me with such a small gesture.

 

“He is fine; nothing has happened that we have seen physically. We will be taking him in for some CT scans to see how he is healing internally, and how the swelling in his brain is coming along. We also need to perform some brain activity tests to make sure everything is on schedule in the healing process.” Removing her hand from my arm, she gave a small reassuring nod to the three of us before turning out of the room to meet the hospital staff at the elevator. They were already there with Jude’s bed and the abundance of machines connected to him. The three of us made our way to the hallway to watch the elevator close. Once again, we all stood in silence until the silence was deafening. I cleared my throat, telling Lena and Stef I was leaving now before anything or anybody came to interrupt again. I slowly made my way to the entrance of the hospital stretching my cramped and tense body along the way. The hours I had been at the hospital had really had taken a toll on my body from the various sleeping positions I had put myself in. I could feel knots forming in my neck and my shoulders and my legs felt weak beneath me as I stood waiting for the next cab to arrive. My usual active routine put into disarray due to the recent circumstances. Today was supposed to be leg day and yet I wasn't even sure I could continue to stand much less go through a workout. I was relieved when the next cab pulled up to the front of the hospital and I climbed in giving the driver my address.

 

The drive home was uneventful to say the least, that is, until we approached the intersection. The same intersection from Jude’s accident. I was briefly aware that the driver was talking to me. Something about his kids or whatever, but I could care less. I was more focused on the damage that was left behind. I knew the accident was bad, even in the dark, but I couldn't imagine what it would look like in the daylight. It was gruesome, if that even describes it. The stop light Jude’s car had hit, no longer standing. The city had taken apart the light leaving the mangled metal on the side of the road almost as a reminder of the carnage that took place the night before. The city traffic signs and street light lay alongside the stop light, broken like toothpicks. The asphalt bared the scars of Jude’s skid marks through the intersection. It took everything in my being to not break down in the back if the cab. I slowed my breathing the best that I could the rest of the way to my home. After paying the driver, I sombered up the walkway to the front door unaware of the second car parked in the driveway. My hands would not steady enough to pick out the front door key so I just stood with my forehead resting on the door until I could get enough composure to unlock the house. My rest against the door was interrupted by it being jerked open prompting me to fall in without any chance to catch myself. I sprawled out on the floor for a second before I jumped to my feet to find my eyes meeting deep blue eyes.

 

“Andy.. Uhh, what are you still doing here?” Once again, I found myself running my fingers through my hair. My action cut short by his voice, gruffer than usual.

 

“Connor, stop doing that, you're gonna make your hair fall out. It already looks like it's not far from it. And what the fuck dude, you think I was just gonna bail on your house while you were running all over town chasing your boy toy. I'm not that shallow dude.”

 

I don't know if the word surprised is enough to describe exactly how I felt at that moment. Here I was, just getting back from the hospital a day later, to find Andy sitting here waiting for me to get home because-? The confused look on his face must have been speaking volumes because he spoke again, seemingly reading the questions in my mind and answering me.

 

“Look dude, we have been friends for a long time now. We had a moment of weakness last night, that unfortunately, Jude saw. I know you left to talk to him and I also know he was in a car accident. I know you've been at the hospital with him since last night. That police officer, Mike I think was his name, told me when he brought your car back. He helped me clear out the house last night. I've just been here cleaning up waiting for you to get back so we could talk. This is the way I see things, what happened last night never happened. We go on like normal and never bring this up. I've had your back since you moved here; I don't plan on changing things now. The only way things change, is if you change them.”

 

If my jaw could have hit the floor, it would have. “Yeah Andy, I’m sorry though. It shouldn't have happened but I’m glad we’re still good. I don't know what I would've done if things changed between us. I mean, so much has happened the last 24 hours and I don't know if I could take anymore disappointment.” He nodded his head understandingly before pulling me into a hug. We broke the bond and I found myself zoning out a bit. He cleared his throat getting my attention.

 

“So you gonna tell me what happened or not? I mean I can see you need to get something off your chest.”

  
I spent the ensuing hour explaining to Andy everything that happened, telling him that Jude may never remember me and that the doctors were running tests that why I was home to shower, change, and get food to take back to the hospital. Something just felt off the whole time I explained everything to Andy, the look in his eye now more determined. I couldn't pinpoint what it was exactly, but the feeling unsettled me a bit. I didn't know what I felt exactly, but I didn't think it was exactly appropriate to call him out considering we just agreed the whole incident between us “never happened”.


End file.
